Freedom From Religion.

I'm an atheist. My religion, or lack thereof, is the most openly hated religion in the world. I remember talking to a coworker about religion, and she said, "I don't care what peoples religions are as long as they believe in something, some higher power." Maybe, she thought she was being open minded, but the truth is, she shut me out, and hurt me for my beliefs. This is actually a common thought. People who say this actually believe that they are being progressive. They think that they are being open to everything, because only "assholes" would deny the existence of a god. I hate that thinking. I hate people attacking me when I say that I am an atheist.

Things like that make it hard to be open about my atheism. I am always open about it. Sometimes, though, it's just hard.. When I tell people I'm an atheist, I get this crazy mix of reactions. It ranges from pity, to disgust, to confusion, and sometimes... joy. Their faces tell me that they think they can really "save" me. Save me from what? Clarity? Free-thought? Independence?

Sometimes, I re-review different religions to see if there is one that is a "fit" for me. I seriously wish that I could believe in something. At least, then, people wouldn't view my choices with such horror. Here's my incomplete list of religions, and why I think they suck.


Christianity/Catholicism: It's first because it's the religion I was raised with. First off: Original sin? Lame. I think people are a blank slate, tabula rasa. Inherent racism, misogyny, and homophobia? Not for me. Zombie Jesus? Don't want to go there. Cannibalism? Sorry, Catholics, just can't come to grips with actually believing that I'm eating a 2000 year old corpse's flesh.

Judaism: The religion I would have been raised under if my grandmother and her family had not been atheist jews from Israel. Future-Telling? Yeah, not into the whole prophecy thing. A couple of things we can check off from the first subject such as original sin, and the -isms. Not too mention, I just can't get behind a God who tells his favorite Jew to kill his own sun, and then throwing a "Jay KAY" in there last minute. I don't find that very funny at all, God. And TRUMPETS bringing WALLS DOWN? Sorry, those better have some serious subwoofers in them or I'm not buying it.

Islam: The Cow? Where the fuck is the COW?

Wicca: Can't get into the talking to plants thing.. I don't care if god is in everything, I'm not talking to a tree.

Hinduism: Cannot get into reincarnation. Cannot get into karma. Too much like original sin. Blank slate, people.

Buddhism: Love the self discipline, and non-violence towards all living things. Nirvana is just too abstract for me.

Jainism: A small sect of Hinduism I looked into after visiting a temple. No gods. I can get into that. But it's too abstract again. Chakras and dharma just make no sense to me. That and inherent karma... lame. Also, celibacy. Yuk.


These are the only religions I've taken even a close to an in depth study into. When it comes down to it, I like the idea of spirituality, and bettering my soul along with my mind and body, but I can't believe in god at all, and some ideas are just too abstract for me to a. understand, and therefore, b. believe in. Even if I did believe in dharma, or nirvana, I couldn't believe that I could ever acheive such things, so what's the point?


I'm done. I need to learn how to clean these blog entries up...

Panic.

Panic attacks at work, with everyone watching, are no fun. They are especially no fun with you dump your duffel bag sized purse onto the ground and tear through its contents looking for your xanax only to find gum wrappers, recipes, paycheck stubs, and tampons, and all your bosses just happen to be standing there. I thought I was gonna have a double attack and die right there. At least some people are apprised to my "issues" without me having to come out and say, "Hey, I have anxiety. That's why I ask for so many cigarette breaks, and that's why I go missing for 10 minutes at a time in the bathroom." When you do that, it seems people are less likely to take you serious, and more likely to think that you made up some bullshit to get out of work. I don't want attention; I just don't want to be treated like a child. I don't want to have to say that I go to the bathroom, not to text, but to break down and cry. I need a new job, seriously. A sit down, office job. I don't care if it's a high stress job, I like a challenge. I just don't like to mix bodily stress, with aggravation from doing repitious tasks while watching a line never shorten. If you haven't guessed it, I'm a cashier... at a grocery store. Gawd awful. But, it pays the rent.

I got mad a J today. For no reason other than the fact that I was grumpy and depressed and needed someone to take it out on. We did, however, make up. We watch Prince Caspian, and ate Stouffer's, and gave each other smooches. How sweet!

Oh, next week, I'm applying for food stamps. I'm actually going to go into a step by step account of how difficult the process actually is. J and I applied before, but we were denied. I have lost some in the wage department and gained in the expenses department, so, we'll see how it goes.

Quick one before I go to bed...

Insomnia sucks. That, and staying up worrying about how you're going to pay back your boyfriend's dealer/friend/neighbor for some drugs he fronted. Wow, my life seems horribly fucked up. It's not, honestly. I just get tired of it all.. I wish I didn't worry all the time. I need to sleep. It's not the actual falling asleep part that's the problem, it's the going to bed part. Once I lay down, everything's gravy, but until then I'm watching Dexter, or reading blogs, or on YouTube searching for some obscure 90s song that I just want to hear again.

I sometimes wonder what I'm doing with myself. I work just enough to pay the rent, I barely pass in school, even going part-time, all my friends either drink too much, smoke to much, or abuse drugs too much (with the exception of one friend who is a sparkling ray of sunshine compared to everyone). I really don't have that much of a problem with substances. I don't drink that much (once every two weeks or so). I am addicted to cigarettes. I turn down drug offers the majority of the time. My boyfriend, J, and I tried ecstasy this weekend, hence the owing of our friend 25 dollars. Well, I had already done it, but I wanted something that would maybe bring us closer. Honestly, our relationship has been growing further away from a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and more into a friendship/roomateship. I love him. I honestly do. I think I'm still in love with him, but I'm not excited to see him anymore. He doesn't make my heart skip...

We cheated on each other this past summer.. I had sex with his best friend, and he had drunken sex with a mutual friend. I was not, and still am not angry/sad/distrusting of him. He, however.. I will never earn his trust back. It's tiring. It makes me feel like a terrible person. I wish I could change it. It actually brought back some the depression of my childhood, and early teens. I thought I had gotten a grip on it, without meds, but nothing like a month of someone not talking to you to bring that back. My doctor wants my medication to be a temporary thing. He thinks, since I haven't progressed as far as my mother, that I can handle it with just therapy. The yoga and meditation I have taken to doing has helped slightly with the daily stressors that can cause panic, but when it comes down to it, I need to know I have that xanax in my purse to make it through the day. I've already seen what happens when I don't take my lexapro.

By the way, do you see this procrastination? 20 minutes of just pouring my heart out about bullshit so I won't have to go to bed. The time, by the way, here, not in bloggerdom, is 2 am. Shit, J, is passed out on the couch, not wanting to go to bed without me. I should really get him up and go to bed with him. He and I have work in 5 hours. I do love him. I just feel sometimes that he needs me more than I need him. And I am the type that shy's away from neediness. Maybe, I just need a vacation. Or more sleep. Or to up my lexapro 10 mg. I hate having to pay the pharma companies money, but... When I get in moods like this, it makes me want to cut. I don't know why.. I just feel like I deserve physical punishment, or that maybe said physical punishment will make the psychological punishment go away. I'd take physical pain over mental pain any day. I just hate crying so much. It makes me feel weak. Maybe, I am crazy.

My mother is bipolar. She's seriously off her rocker, though. She does the manic shopping sprees, marries and dates the wrong men... You have to walk on eggshells around her. My dad and J both talk about how crazy she is. J laughs about it and thinks it's a joke. My dad always brings up my mother's "sickness". It scares me because she said she started seeing signs of it when she was 19, and it slowly grew to the level she's at today. She can, honestly, barely function. That's not what scares me, though. What scares me is that when she flies into fits of rage, I get it. I understand what she's going through, even if it is over someone putting the dishes up the wrong way, or when I don't call to let her know I won't make it tonight. I didn't used to, but I do now. What scares me is that everyone, including those close to me, use those situations to mock and make fun of her, as in J's situation, or to hurt her and discredit her, as in my father's situation. I worry about, when I'm like her, if people will do that to me? Especially, those that are close to me. I know that they will. Mostly, behind my back. It makes me sad. I know how it feels to be so angry and so upset, to honestly have those feelings, and have other people chalk it up to you being "crazy". I'm gonna bring these fears up with my therapist, I think. I don't really connect with her, but I just tell her shit, and let her talk back. I'm gonna go to bed, now I think. A half an hour is enough time to spend typing.

Welcome.

I couldn't find a blog out there for someone like me: a feminist who also suffers from bipolar disorder. I decided to write my own. It's just an experiment; I don't know how well it will be. I guess it's a mix of self-therapy and wanting to be heard. I want to participate in the blogging world. I want to talk about how living with bipolar disorder isn't about being a drama queen. I want to have the courage to share these things with other people. It's something I have thought about doing for a while; I'm anxious to even start, but... So, for my first post, I thought I'd share something I wrote on my phone at work while I was having a depressive episode in the bathroom. A little background, I had gone off my medication for a month because of lack of money, and things got pretty bad. I was calling out from work at least twice a week. I continuously thought about suicide, and even took, like, 16 bars of xanax before I was eventually baker acted. I was out for the week, and have since been to embarrassed to explain why. Now, I'm viewed as irresponsible and unreliable and, it hurts.


I know that I am worse off than my doctor thinks I am. It's just so hard to express when I'm there and feeling fine. What's wrong with me? I just want a do-over. I want to try again. I want to go back and force myself to care so that I wouldn't be in this situation. I hate myself. I wish I could just be given another chance.