Insomnia sucks. That, and staying up worrying about how you're going to pay back your boyfriend's dealer/friend/neighbor for some drugs he fronted. Wow, my life seems horribly fucked up. It's not, honestly. I just get tired of it all.. I wish I didn't worry all the time. I need to sleep. It's not the actual falling asleep part that's the problem, it's the going to bed part. Once I lay down, everything's gravy, but until then I'm watching Dexter, or reading blogs, or on YouTube searching for some obscure 90s song that I just want to hear again.
I sometimes wonder what I'm doing with myself. I work just enough to pay the rent, I barely pass in school, even going part-time, all my friends either drink too much, smoke to much, or abuse drugs too much (with the exception of one friend who is a sparkling ray of sunshine compared to everyone). I really don't have that much of a problem with substances. I don't drink that much (once every two weeks or so). I am addicted to cigarettes. I turn down drug offers the majority of the time. My boyfriend, J, and I tried ecstasy this weekend, hence the owing of our friend 25 dollars. Well, I had already done it, but I wanted something that would maybe bring us closer. Honestly, our relationship has been growing further away from a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and more into a friendship/roomateship. I love him. I honestly do. I think I'm still in love with him, but I'm not excited to see him anymore. He doesn't make my heart skip...
We cheated on each other this past summer.. I had sex with his best friend, and he had drunken sex with a mutual friend. I was not, and still am not angry/sad/distrusting of him. He, however.. I will never earn his trust back. It's tiring. It makes me feel like a terrible person. I wish I could change it. It actually brought back some the depression of my childhood, and early teens. I thought I had gotten a grip on it, without meds, but nothing like a month of someone not talking to you to bring that back. My doctor wants my medication to be a temporary thing. He thinks, since I haven't progressed as far as my mother, that I can handle it with just therapy. The yoga and meditation I have taken to doing has helped slightly with the daily stressors that can cause panic, but when it comes down to it, I need to know I have that xanax in my purse to make it through the day. I've already seen what happens when I don't take my lexapro.
By the way, do you see this procrastination? 20 minutes of just pouring my heart out about bullshit so I won't have to go to bed. The time, by the way, here, not in bloggerdom, is 2 am. Shit, J, is passed out on the couch, not wanting to go to bed without me. I should really get him up and go to bed with him. He and I have work in 5 hours. I do love him. I just feel sometimes that he needs me more than I need him. And I am the type that shy's away from neediness. Maybe, I just need a vacation. Or more sleep. Or to up my lexapro 10 mg. I hate having to pay the pharma companies money, but... When I get in moods like this, it makes me want to cut. I don't know why.. I just feel like I deserve physical punishment, or that maybe said physical punishment will make the psychological punishment go away. I'd take physical pain over mental pain any day. I just hate crying so much. It makes me feel weak. Maybe, I am crazy.
My mother is bipolar. She's seriously off her rocker, though. She does the manic shopping sprees, marries and dates the wrong men... You have to walk on eggshells around her. My dad and J both talk about how crazy she is. J laughs about it and thinks it's a joke. My dad always brings up my mother's "sickness". It scares me because she said she started seeing signs of it when she was 19, and it slowly grew to the level she's at today. She can, honestly, barely function. That's not what scares me, though. What scares me is that when she flies into fits of rage, I get it. I understand what she's going through, even if it is over someone putting the dishes up the wrong way, or when I don't call to let her know I won't make it tonight. I didn't used to, but I do now. What scares me is that everyone, including those close to me, use those situations to mock and make fun of her, as in J's situation, or to hurt her and discredit her, as in my father's situation. I worry about, when I'm like her, if people will do that to me? Especially, those that are close to me. I know that they will. Mostly, behind my back. It makes me sad. I know how it feels to be so angry and so upset, to honestly have those feelings, and have other people chalk it up to you being "crazy". I'm gonna bring these fears up with my therapist, I think. I don't really connect with her, but I just tell her shit, and let her talk back. I'm gonna go to bed, now I think. A half an hour is enough time to spend typing.
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